Completely true bio
Nicholas Humphrey Cowan
Descended from the monks that invented draft beer, Nick Cowan is a man of the world and a man of our times. He is Your Daddy. He is the one referred to, and largely known as Your Daddy. Make no mistake, accept no substitutes.
Mr. Cowan came to the civilian workforce in March 1993 after a heroic career in a covert military unit based at the Jamestown Mall Sears Automotive section. His most notable achievement was earning a customer service award and further proved his metal by single handedly buying a round of drinks the night he found out that indiscriminate killing was no longer a publicly sanctioned policy of the U.S. government, He still believes the function of the President Of The United States is to keep attention away from the people who really run things.
Upon leaving the military Nick began an athletic career. He set the world record of 873 meters for a telephone pole toss without the use of steroids or Mountain Dew and successfully incorporated a cd player into the design of the bobsled. Nick is grossly offended when people make assumptions about their moral superiority and he would one day like to see them boil like a potato in Beelzebub’s Crock Pot Of The Damned. Some people seem to feel comfortable bringing problems and issues to him because they sense that he cares and wants to help them out (which he does). Nick does not regularly attend a religious institution but feels he should as he hears the bake sales are excellent. Mr. Cowan sometimes wears his pants on his head and spends much of his free time searching remaining record stores looking for deleted Beastie Boys & Toad The Wet Sprocket singles. He spends the rest of his spare time developing a liposuction device that will also burn off unwanted parts of your personality.
Very early, Nick displayed an unusual propensity for both gargling and arc-welding, two talents which lead ultimately to his playing a homemade saxophone and touring with Hall & Oates during the summer of 1981 at the impressionable young age of 9. He simultaneously finished high school, drove a cement mixer for a deli and pastry delivery service, managed a barbershop quartet, was a roadie for Motorhead, drove ANOTHER cement mixer for the city of Oakland, owned his own pornography studio, and was a stunt double for Anthony Michael Hall during the filming of “Cannonball Run” parts I and II, before finally discovering his true passion and calling in life: bacon.
Due to the somewhat limited success of his first music project with a little known English rock group called “Duran Duran” Nick started writing songs for seminal heavy metal band and top 40 favourite Motorhead. He directed/choreographed all of Warrant’s videos. After heroically defeating a (small, really hardly worth mentioning) addiction to Carmex he rejoined the military and began an invasion of North Dakota with the assistance of Lyle Lovett and his Large Band. That endeavor was, to say the least, unsuccessful so Nick is currently planning a charity boxing match against Prince and a crack smoking contest against Whitney Houston. Mr. Cowan was a guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers for about 7 days and invented an acoustic theremin because it was better accompaniment for his beat boxing quartet. From time to time this white boy plays that funky music. It is also worth mentioning that he was the man in the back who said, “Everyone attack,” when it turned into a ballroom blitz. Killing a mutha like it ain’t no thang is not a moral dilemma for Mr. Cowan.
During his short lived, but extensive movie career Nick pioneered key areas of the film business. Specifically the areas of catering and golf cart maintenance. He taught Patrick Swayze the lost martial art Bar Fight FU for the film Roadhouse. He was Arsenio Hall’s stunt double in the feature film ‘Coming To America’. During a brief turn as the marketing v.p. for Sizz-O-Lean he brought about a disastrous attempted merchandise tie-in with “Steele Magnolias” and Burger King. It hurts Nick to disappoint people who rely on him and he finds still-warm toilet seats thoroughly disturbing. If pushed into a corner he will git yer nose and there will be nothing you can do about it.
Nick’s incredible charisma and mind-bogglingly large collection of compact discs eventually led him to KDHX, where his universal message of peace and rump-shakin groove was spread across the world, or at least the St. Louis metropolitan area during the hours of four to six a.m. on Wednesday mornings. That lasted 6 1/2 years, with his partner in many gigs Alex Miller as co-host for the first 3 years of that. He has volunteered there for a total 10 years, though he is on a self imposed hiatus to enjoy his family. Their hope was that the universal message of peace and rump-shakin groove would be spread across the world. He has been the ‘man behind the board’ for both talks shows and live music. He has met many interesting guests (including several from the Civil Rights movement) and has had the pleasure of mixing live performances by a Grammy Award winner and a Grammy Award nominee among other talented local and national musicians. Genre wise Nick has recorded everything from folk singers to half of a high school marching band. He has made some incredible musicians sound bad and some terrible musicians sound great. Mostly, he’s got a good ear and it all evens out in the end.
One final skill that may or may not have relevance to you (but is important to mention nonetheless) is that Nick Cowan is also a ninja. Mind you he has discarded the traditional black attire of the ninja in favor of khaki’s but nevertheless is stealthy, quiet, and able to sneak up on anyone with a single bound. Nevermind the beer gut, he is silent and deadly like the stanky fart for which no one takes credit or can be assigned the blame.
All of these other activities are centered around the grueling days he spends walking briskly around the building with furrowed brows so that he looks busy. Fact of the matter is that he wants to kill you. Nevermind the jolly, good natured sense of humor that Nick uses to lure you into his confidence, he is a homicidal maniac waiting to act. If you think his wit is quick just imagine him with a firearm in his warm living hands. Be nice. He may give you a head start when the bullets fly.
He is fond of dogs and bacon, but not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily together.
(compiled by Scott Bale and Nick Cowan)
